Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
