I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
