I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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