Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
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Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
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So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.