You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
do herpes really smell.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool