Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.