I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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