i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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