They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
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He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
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in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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