my phone needs a breathalizer
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So much rum. So many feels.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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