I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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