dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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