whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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