they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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