I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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