I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
