I'm gonna have a badass scar
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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