hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
