I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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