My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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