I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
