I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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