Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
