so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
