the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
