Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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