I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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