Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
