She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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