My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
