I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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