i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
