Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
