I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
