Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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