Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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