I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
