he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
