Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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