I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
