What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
