why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i need some magic done to my vagina
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
