Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
