I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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