my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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