I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
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Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
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I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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