I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
