I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You need Xanax blowdarts
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
