Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
