I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
