how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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