Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
