I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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