Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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