its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
