Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize