Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
