yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
