if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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