Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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