I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
