Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
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Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
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